Credit where credit is due
This policy was inspired by the profanity–laden policy from Writers’ HQ, who require me to include the following:
“With thanks to Writers’ HQ, my supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders, and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted me permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.”
Wow has anyone ever read one of these?
I need to have one of these dealios to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because we all know there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also I don’t really know what these things are. I’m just a guy who thought I’d put some stuff out there for people to read.
Short words (written by short people)
The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible, and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, people, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best privacy policy you ever did see.
TL;DR
I’m just a guy who has so much going on that I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil—I’m as corruptible as anyone—I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the service you get from me. Which is nothing. That’s really it.
Cookies
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. My site uses cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want my delicious home–baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser, but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
Stalky visitor tracking
Look, I’m following you, ok? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool, but also to see what stuff people are looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like.
None of the things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address and some basic information about your browser and the device you’re using. All I see is that a person or many people interacted with my site in a particular way. You can mess with me by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing my stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time.
The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
Data storage
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal crap–tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? What does it all mean?! What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I don’t really collect anything more than the stuff mentioned in the previous section, and that’s all stored by Google, not by me.
Your right to be deleted
FINE, I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just reach out to me and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could possibly have done wrong. But since I don’t store anything that could identify you personally, there’s nothing for me to delete.
Social media and stuff
I use social media a bit. If you talk to me on Twitter, I might follow you there. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries. You are not required to follow my social media accounts.
The end
Got it? Read it? Done it? Well done, you! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.