Credit where credit is due
This policy was inspired by the profanity–laden policy from Writers’ HQ, who require me to include the following:
Wow has anyone ever read one of these?
I need to have one of these dealios to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because we all know there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also I don’t really know what these things are. I’m just a guy who thought I’d put some stuff out there for people to read.
Short words (written by short people)
I’m just a guy who has so much going on that I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil—I’m as corruptible as anyone—I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the service you get from me. Which is nothing. That’s really it.
Stalky visitor tracking
Look, I’m following you, ok? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool, but also to see what stuff people are looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like.
None of the things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address and some basic information about your browser and the device you’re using. All I see is that a person or many people interacted with my site in a particular way. You can mess with me by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing my stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time.
The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal crap–tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? What does it all mean?! What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I don’t really collect anything more than the stuff mentioned in the previous section, and that’s all stored by Google, not by me.
Your right to be deleted
FINE, I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just reach out to me and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could possibly have done wrong. But since I don’t store anything that could identify you personally, there’s nothing for me to delete.
Social media and stuff
I use social media a bit. If you talk to me on Twitter, I might follow you there. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries. You are not required to follow my social media accounts.
Got it? Read it? Done it? Well done, you! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.